Before I entered my first relationship, people were saying that I should look for someone who will love me more than I will love him. Someone who will need me more than I will need him, they state it as a matter of fact.
Is it true that in a relationship there’s always someone who loves the other more? In a relationship, there’s always someone who is loved more? One is slowly dying from lack of self esteem and the other from guilt.
What does it mean to be on the side that loves more? It means that your self-esteem is constantly walking on thin ice water. To be on this side is to be in a relationship where you feel that you’re love is not returned, at least not the same way. To be on this side is to be on embarrassment and to realize that maybe, this is what I only deserve, this is what I can only have.
You start to see yourself as someone who is only worthy of being loved as the same amount that this person loves you. Then slowly but constantly, you start to love yourself less and less. You start to think that there is something wrong with you. If I can love this person with such passion, why can’t he do the same? Then you find yourself throwing your pride into the water. You feel sorry for your flaws. You feel sorry for yourself, because everything can be a reason for them to be unhappy with you. You find yourself saying sorry for every single thing, because you are afraid. Afraid of losing him, afraid of making him mad, and most of all you know that you need him more than he needs you.
Most of the time you find yourself doing the extra effort just to keep the conversation going. You ask simple things like “Have you eaten?, What time are you going home?, How was your day?” But you never find yourself being asked these questions. There are times when you feel like an interviewer, interviewing someone you really care for. They answer, and that’s it. Part of you wish he’ll ask you too, but it’s okay, at least you get to talk to him.
Then it can quickly escalate from that. There are days when you feel like you have to be extra clingy and make them feel how much you love them. There are days when you try so hard because you want to impress them. You want them to know how good you are, you want them to feel the same way that you feel towards them. Their attention and affection is the only thing that matters to you. But most of all, you want to tell yourself that you deserve them. It feels like your world is revolving around them. You don’t think about yourself anymore. You start to think that you can’t live without them and you can’t.
To be on the side that is loved more, is to be living on constant guilt. It can be an intense feeling that leaves you weak. To be on this side though, I believe it is easier to achieve the feeling of contentedness and completeness. You are on your own battle, this is entirely up to you.
The start may be perfect, you’re living the life. I mean isn’t the point of dating? Finding someone who truly loves and cares for you? At least you have this all figured out. Then, everything comes to you in a rush. He loves you more than you love him and you don’t know if you can reciprocate the same feeling.
You become unsure. You start to question if he’s the right one for you. These unconsciously seeps into every little thing, every little action. But you also feel suffocated, because he gives you too much attention.
You get a bunch of emotions, the self-condemnation, the indignity, and the fear. You condemn yourself, you feel guilty because you are unsure if you can love him the same way. You feel the indignity of being loved by this person so passionately. But most of all, you are afraid. You live in fear or hurting the other person. You know how vulnerable he is and you know you might create damage permanently.
In my realization, I don’t think a perfect relationship is defined as a relationship where both love each other equally. There is no way to measure love and it should be enjoyed as it is. Love is messy but I still think it’s a wonderful thing. Despite all this, love is worth it. I believe it doesn’t matter who loves more. It doesn’t mean anything. In the end they still love each other. Feelings are constantly fluctuating. What’s important is that the object of those feelings are unchanging.