Even before I had my first relationship, people were saying that I should look for someone who will love me more than I love him. Someone who will need me more than I need him, they state it as a matter of fact. I had always been idealistic, and the thought disgusted me. Back then, I still believed that a perfect relationship is a relationship where both loves each other the same way. They said I was still young and inexperienced.
More than disgusted though, what I feel is empathy towards both sides. When this came into mind, I found myself reading through people’s thoughts. Majority of these were towards the one who loves more, but I believe both sides should be looked into. If this is the case then, in a relationship, there’s always someone who loves the other more. In a relationship, there’s always someone who loves the other less. One is slowly dying from lack of self esteem and the other from guilt.
Slowly, I came to a realization. Maybe this is right, and I found myself to be on the side that loves more. It is changing, the effort can be fluctuating. It doesn’t have to mean that someone has to be on this side the whole time. It possible that there are days when you feel that the person is everything, and there are days when you feel that the person is like any other. What doesn’t change though is the object of affection.
I’ll be starting of with the side that loves more, as I believe this is where I can completely immerse myself. What does it mean to be on this side? It means that your self-esteem is constantly walking on thin ice water. To be on this side is to be in a relationship where you feel that you’re love is not returned. To be on this side is to be on embarrassment and to realize that maybe, this is what I only deserve, this is what I can only have.
You start to see yourself as someone who is only worthy of being loved as the same amount that this person loves you. Then slowly but constantly, you start to love yourself less and less. You start to think that there is something wrong with you, If I can love this person with such passion, why can’t he do the same? Then you find yourself throwing your pride into the water. You feel sorry for your flaws, you feel sorry for yourself, because everything can be a reason for them to be unhappy with you. You find yourself saying sorry for every single thing, because you are afraid. Afraid of losing him, afraid of making him mad, and most of all you know that you need him more than he needs you.
Most of the time you find yourself doing the extra effort just to keep the conversation going. You ask simple things like “Have you eaten?, What time are you going home?, How was your day?” But you never find yourself being asked these questions. There are times when you feel like an interviewer, interviewing someone you really care for. They answer, and that’s it. Part of you wish he’ll ask you too, but it’s okay, at least you get to talk to him.
Then it can quickly escalate from that. There are days when you feel that you have to be extra clingy, make them feel how much you love them. There are days when you try so hard, because you want to impress them. You want them to know that you are great, you want them to feel the same way that you feel towards them. Their attention and their affection is the only thing that matters for you. But most of all, you want to tell yourself that you deserve them. It feels like your world, is revolving around them. You don’t think about yourself anymore. You start to think that you can’t live without him, and you can’t.
But do you sometimes wonder how it is from the other side? This is my first relationship so I can’t really say this from experience. These are just my thoughts and what I think he feels, and I also get hints from what he says.
To be on the side that loves less, is to be living on constant guilt. It can be an intense feeling that leaves you weak. To be on this side though, I believe it is easier to achieve the feeling of contentedness and completeness. You are on your own battle, this is entirely up to you.
The start may be perfect, you’re living the life. I mean isn’t the point of dating? Finding someone who truly loves and cares for you? At least you have this all figured out. Then, everything comes to you in a rush. He loves you more than you love him, and you don’t know if you can reciprocate the same feeling.
You become unsure. You start to question if he’s the right one for you. These unconsciously seeps into every little thing, every little action. You get into a fight and you don’t bring down your pride, because you know he can’t take it. Sooner or later he will come running back to you.
But you also feel suffocated, because he gives you too much attention. It is easy for you to end everything, when he tries so hard but you just want to go on with your life or you want things to go slowly. You get confused.
You get a bunch of emotions, the self-condemnation and the indignity, the fear. You condemn yourself, you feel guilty because you are unsure if you can love him the same way. You feel the indignity of being loved by this person so passionately. But most of all, you are afraid. You live in fear or hurting the other person. You know how vulnerable he is and you know you might create damage permanently.
In my realization, I don’t think a perfect relationship is defined as a relationship where both love each other equally. There’s always someone who loves more and there’s always someone who loves less. To be the one who loves more, is to be appreciative. To look on the bright side and to feel all the good things. To be the one who loves less, is to be more expressive. To make the other feel as loved.
Love is messy but I still think it’s a wonderful thing. Despite all this, love is worth it. I believe it doesn’t matter who loves less or who loves more. It doesn’t mean anything. In the end they still love each other. Feelings are constantly fluctuating. What’s important is that the object of those feelings are unchanging.